Everybody watches porn. After all, research says that 69% of men watch porn regularly. As a statistic, it is unpleasant but not something we really think about.
What if the statistics become a little more personal? What happens when you have to confront the possibility of your husband watching porn? What if you discover the fact that your husband looks at porn?
The discovery that your husband watches porn can be shocking and disorienting. Many women experience intense shame and get into a spiral of self-blame. It is normal to feel betrayed and angry, but as partners in the marriage, you need to work together to recover from porn addiction.
Why My Husband Watches Porn?
When you want to understand why your husband watches porn, the first thing you need to know is that you are not the reason. Nothing you do or do not do is motivating your husband to watch porn. It is not about how you look or what you do (or do not do) in your bedroom.
What started as a casual or accidental exposure to porn can escalate into a porn habit because porn is addictive. Most of the time, your husband is caught in a vicious cycle of shame and guilt that makes him compulsively watch porn.
Why Do People Watch Porn?
Many people consider porn as just a harmless way to relieve stress and anxiety. So, they watch it as a short-term solution for dealing with uncomfortable emotions. Many people are exposed to porn at a very early age and find it hard to kick the habit after they grow up.
Porn causes addiction-like responses in the dopamine reward system of the brain. So, people do develop a habit of watching porn in pursuit of pleasure. Porn also causes a vicious cycle of guilt and shame, just like addiction. When someone watches porn, they feel guilty, and to escape this intense emotion, they again go back to watching porn.
People are often not aware of how harmful porn is for their brain, body, and relationships. So, they continue to watch porn, oblivious to how it is corroding their lives every day.
Should I Be Concerned My Husband Watches Porn?
If your husband looks at porn, it is natural to feel concerned. First of all, porn is an intrusion into one of the most fundamental parts of a romantic relationship. If you believe that porn consumption is a form of mental cheating, then it can raise concerns about your relationship itself.
The scary part about porn is that it is usually dismissed as harmless. But, research has shown that the porn is addictive and habit-forming. So even a casual porn-watching habit can easily escalate into a full-blown porn addiction within a short period of time. And once this porn addiction habit sets in, it will take a long and arduous process to recover from it.
Porn addiction can affect the mental, physical and emotional health of the husband. Research has also shown that porn addiction affects sexual performance by causing issues like erectile dysfunction. Studies have also shown that people who are addicted to porn often prefer to masturbate to porn rather than have partnered sex. Men addicted to porn often develop the need for porn to achieve and maintain an erection during sex.
There is also a lot of shame and guilt associated with porn addiction. As a result, your relationship as husband and wife can also get fractured because your husband feels anxiety and stress.
My Husband Watches A Lot Of Porn. Is He Addicted?
Medically speaking, porn is not recognized as an addiction. It is categorized as compulsive sexual behavior. While this technicality helps to remove some degree of stigma around porn addiction, it also dangerously undermines its effects.
There is no set standard in terms of number of hours or type of porn which can tell you whether your husband is addicted to porn or not. But, if porn consumption interferes with your husband’s daily routine and your relationship, then it is safe to assume that he is in the addiction territory.
Here are the common signs that your husband might be addicted to porn –
- Intense craving for watching pornography and inability to quit watching porn.
- Loss of interest, low libido, and inability to be aroused during partnered sex.
- Emotional distancing and disconnection from the partner.
- Neglect of professional and personal responsibilities.
- Emotional distress, anxiety, depression, shame, and guilt.
What to Remember if You Catch Your Husband Watching Porn
While your husband is completely responsible for the porn habit, you should not forget that your marriage is a partnership. His porn habit impacts both of you. So, you have a right to demand course correction and also a duty to support him through recovery.
The key here is to remember that you can not shame your husband or emotionally manipulate him to quit porn. Such an approach will have the opposite effect and make him relapse into old porn habits.
Remember to first deal with your trauma arising from the discovery that your husband watches porn. When you are ready to communicate your distress and the change you want, then it is time to talk.
While talking to your husband, explain about the harmful effects of porn and why it is an important issue for you. Give him the space to explain himself. The natural instinct would be to blame and shame him about the porn habit. But remember to put that aside and focus on communicating that you are here to support your husband.
Keep in mind that the conversation is not just about your husband quitting porn. It is about his well-being and your marriage as a whole. So, do not hesitate to seek professional help for navigating the difficult conversation.
3 Recovery Stages That Spouses of Porn Users Often Experience
The discovery that the husband looks at porn often results in emotional trauma for the spouse. She has to process the difficult emotions, overcome her shock, and then make efforts to support her husband as he recovers from the porn habit. There are three main stages that the spouses go through –
Stage 1 – Shock and Betrayal
Their sexual relationship and intimacy are a sacred part of marriage for the wives. A discovery that your husband watches porn can feel like a breach of this fidelity. So, the husband watching porn brings shock and trauma. The wives often feel a sense of betrayal of their trust and question their marriage. The emotional distress of a husband’s porn habit can even cause physical symptoms similar to PTSD. Wives also experience intense shame and a sense of inadequacy and mistakenly resort to self-blame.
Stage 2 – Hope and disappointment
Once you get past the initial shock, it is natural to desperately want to make things as they were before So, this is a period of hopefulness There will be promises from the husband that he will quit porn and some gestures of repentance also But, just like all addicts, the husband can not just turn off the porn addiction switch So, wives are often disappointed to discover that their husband is still watching porn Now they also realize that the seriousness of the situation.
Stage 3 – Rebuilding trust and healing
It is normal for the wife to feel powerful emotions like anger, pain, and shame when she discovers that the husband is watching porn. In the final stage, she has to overcome the initial shock and disappointment. Then, she has to process her own emotional turmoil. Then, the husband and the wife need to work together to reconcile the fractures in their relationship. Many couples seek professional help or religious guidance during this stage to rebuild their trust and heal their marriage.
How to Stop Your Husband from Watching Porn?
As with any habit, you can not dictate to your husband to stop watching porn. What you can do is to help him realize how his porn habit is hurting your relationship. You have to communicate the pain and the insecurity you are going through. Many times, your husband might not be aware of how porn is affecting him. So, you have to draw his attention to specific instances where porn has disrupted his life.
Porn is habit-forming. So, do not have unrealistic expectations that your husband should stop watching it from one moment to the next. Your husband needs a period of time to withdraw and recover from his porn habit. Support him with professional help if needed.
How can BlockP can Help?
The Internet has caused a kind of porn epidemic. Accessing porn is easier than ever. Apart from the websites dedicated to pornographic content, mainstream social media and other sites also contain explicit imagery. So, even if your husband does not seek out porn, it is likely that he will have to deal with accidental exposure.
Porn blocker like BlockP helps you secure your digital space by filtering out the pornographic content. For a porn addict, the trigger need not be graphic or adult content. Certain words or images can also trigger the urge to watch pornography. These triggers differ from person to person. BlockP helps your husband set up custom filters so that he can block out his personal triggers.
BlockP also has an online support community. Here, both you and your husband can find support and practical tips as you both work on your relationship.